An introduction

 Hey everyone. I'm Jessica B. 

Just Jess or Jessica, please. I am not a "Jessie/Jessy" like I was in HS. Those were my early Jump, Little Children days. I'm 44 years old and live slightly north of Charleston, SC with my dad and my cat, Sammy. I lost my mom a year ago and after 3 years of mind-numbing grief, the tears finally came.

So, my story.

Well, I've been a type II diabetic for 19 years. My mom noticed my depression, took me to screenings and then when sitting with me and the therapist realized that wasn't it. She asked about thyroid issues because that was a "family thing". Besides the chicken pox and asthmatic bronchitis once a year, I was hardly ever sick. And I mean EVER.

There was a thyroid testing event at a James Island Harris Teeter. I was 25 years old and some guy in front of the frozen food section was taking blood samples. He gave me a once over, some fat jokes and then took 3 vials.

A week later, the numbers were...not good. So I went to the family doctor. He took one look at me, asked if anyone had ever told me that I looked like my grandmother and said, "Welcome to the family! You have hypothyroidism(a butterfly-shaped gland in your throat that runs slow AF)!" Ordered an EKG, felt my tummy and the look on his face. I knew it wasn't good. I thought I was going to just need one little pill for the rest of my life. That turned into two, now I'm up to 7, but I digress.

For 10 years, I did great on 3 medications! My numbers were relatively low and then ol' Dr. Geer retired, still looking young, fit and healthy. His replacement is about 10 years younger than I, I'm still her youngest patient and she's excellent. The first thing she did was check my A1C. It was 10(ABYSMAL, as Prof. Snape would say).

She asked about diet and exercise. Diet was decent but activity sucked, besides working as an early childhood teacher and chasing babies around all day.

"Well, Jess....it's time. We gotta do insulin."

"BIG JessYKAH!", all uninsured me, was scared. Not because of the pain of needles, I knew my lancets and alcohol swabs, but because of costs. I knew about pumps and kids dying from rationing their insulin. Thanks to Bernie Sanders(that man is a living saint and my hero) and reli-on, I have been able to get Novolin, a slow-acting, 2-part insulin(basically that means 2 shots instead of one when I need it) for $25/vial at Walmart.

My doctor has always tried to find ways to help me cut costs, never on meds but in testing and clinics, etc. She is truly the best. 

So....I lost my job almost a year ago after some abuse on their end. Mentally I couldn't take it anymore, parents were complaining that I wasn't moving as much and...I snapped. Walked off the job in tears and had my sister pick me up. I never went back. The reason why I wasn't moving as much was because my neuropathy had moved from my foot to just under my left butt cheek. I was scratching myself at night and the ladies I worked with said, "girl, you need Vaseline! Rub it on every night!" My co-teacher was absolutely amazing, a type I diabetic and we worked well together. But once she left the room to get pizza after decorating all morning for a 3 year old party, two kids went right up and tore everything down. They were going to send me home early but after planning to turn in my resignation at the end of the week, I knew it was time to go. They were like, "Okay, good luck". Eleven years, but all I can say is...9 years wasted. Right after my last 2 directors left, the heifer that took her place was just...not good. Everyone asked how I could stay so long, and it was the love of my children and families. I couldn't leave them, but I had to. I couldn't be at that hell hole anymore and I've never been back. 

It took 4 months before I tried again. I found my dream center with benefits but one day I passed out and we didn't know why. Instead of waiting(because HR HAS to cover their ass, not yours), I got axed. Just days before the directors were retiring.

So another job I had interviewed with at the same time was still looking and I reapplied. A work interview in 2 rooms was done and I fell in love with a class that ironically was the same age group as the last. I was an infant teacher, not a toddler teacher! But the love was immediate. The teacher had told the directors,  "I NEED this woman! She's perfect!!"

Three months of bliss, three years of a Carmen SanDiego love and a year of numbness from losing my mother began taking its toll. Things were just....too good for me. The depression began, slowly but surely. My dad was getting sick, I had to stay strong and power through.

I felt fully overwhelmed.  I started planning song lists for my funeral, just randomly. Ozzy had just passed away. I was rocking out to "Under the Graveyard" on Spotify and posted it to Facebook and not 5 minutes later, the Osbourne family made the announcement. I felt that was his Goodbye song, a sign to let me know he was Home and that he was okay. Now I feel that it was a warning. The lyrics are too...pardon the pun, dead on.

I made a list of beings in Spirit that I asked to be with me when/how the time came, and I asked for a time stamp. I heard "Halloween".

"Halloween? THIS Halloween?"

"Halloween"

"Halloween. Okay, Got it. I NEED my mom to come get me when it's time. I NEED to see her first because I don't think she's here for me. She's here for Daddy, but not me."

September 28, I went to see Beauty and the Beast. It was a Mommy and Jess thing, I was 9 when the movie came out. We went to see it on Ice every year before Disney made the ice shows with more than one story(we went to those, too). It was super cold when I got there and sat down surrounded by 50 people on either side of me. We were right behind the conductor in the orchestra. 

ACT 1? 

Great! Just like the movie. 

Intermission: I felt sick. I raced to the bathroom with about 500 little girls but nothing came up. 

ACT 2

I don't remember. I slept through all of it. I didn't get up for the final bow, there was bile coming up and I swallowed it back down. I was not puking all over the floor. 

I ran out with the same little girls but nothing came out. I walked to a hotel to wait for my lyft, he asked me if I was okay and got me home in 5 minutes. Luckily I only live 5 minutes away by car...

TBC